Grow Up!
by Patchlamb
Summary: (Butters/Cartman) You'd think Kyle and Cartman would have gotten over their petty differences by the 8th grade. Nope.avi. Eric pulls Butters into another scheme to try and screw Kyle over. However, with the obvious attraction Kenny seems to be pushing onto Butters, Cartman is beginning to put his priorities else where. Someone is about to get their jaw broken! M for language
1. I'm 2 Kool 4 U Kyle

_**I've been watching South Park, and was disappointed at how few fanfics there are for this ship. However you want to say it; Buttman, Cutters, or just the simple Eric/Butters. Sorry for inaccuracy. **_

* * *

It was the first week of 8th grade. Top of the food chain, baby! Hardly two days into the new school year and everyone still felt like little 7th graders. This was the semester where things really started to kick in. Where girls seemed to become prettier, and everything started being more touchy-feely and experimental. It was only one year behind high school; but it's too early to think about that.

All the 8th graders shared a hall with the 7th graders, and they had to switch classes about four times each school day. Different teachers that taught sole subjects, but everyone knew the work would be about the same. Eric had to share a class with filthy Jewish scum again. Stan and Kenny had a separate peer group, which really sucked balls.

The only good thing about this school year (other than finally being a 8th grader), was that Butters also shared a class with Eric and Kyle. This was perfect. This was very perfect. Eric would have a little minion in close proximity at all times! Kyle would probably just but in though. Filling Butter's head with lies.

Ugh.

"W-why hey Eric! Did ya get your school supplies yet?" Chimed the blonde boy, who had just came into the classroom. Always chipper.

"Nah, I'm just going to wait til the end of the week then get my mom to do it for me." Shrugged Eric, who was sitting bored in his desk. The bell hadn't rung yet so the teacher was letting everyone talk. Butter's began to yammer about whatever-the-heck. Eric let his eyes wander.

Kyle was talking to some guy Eric had never seen before at the other side of the room. He made a mental note to ask about it later so he could call him a fag or something. That will teach him to have a social life!

Butters noticed Eric looked a little distracted. He waved a hand in front of his eyes and tilted his head. "Hello? What'cha lookin' at?" He asked dumbly.

Eric nonchalantly brought his eyes back to the scrawny boy that was demanding his attention. "I was just thinking about calling Kyle a faggot later."

"Oh, well, okay. But that's not very nice!" Though he wasn't very surprised, Butters didn't always approve of some of Eric's nasty remarks! Especially to their friends. "How would y-you like it if I called you a faggot?"

There was a silence between them. Suddenly, the background noise of kids' conversations became a loud uproar in Butters ears. Oh, he was in for it now!

"Butters." Said Eric calmly, with a straight face. "You have three seconds to sit down and shut up before I have to get violent."

"Ahhh!" Butters lightly screamed, looking panicked. He skittered over to his desk without a second thought. It was in the row between Eric and Kyle's row.

Eric watched and rolled his eyes. "You are such a dumbass."

* * *

"I can't believe that stupid whore gave us homework!" Expressed Stan, beating a clamped fist on the lunch table.

"Yeah!" Agreed Kenny, who was sitting beside him.

"It's only been, like, a day since we've been in 8th grade! We haven't even learned anything yet!" He continued to rant as Kyle found the table. He sat on the other side across from Kenny.

"What are you yelling about, Stan?" Sighed Kyle, tearing a piece of chicken with his hand.

"Our stupid second period teacher gave us fucking homework." Kenny replied before Stan had time to say anything. It was strange how despite his muffled voice, they could understand him plain as day.

"What the heck, dude. That's just not right."

Stan threw his arms up. "I know!"

They continued their discussion until a voice broke the conversation. "Mind if I sit here?" It asked. 'It' turned out to be Butters.

The three gave each other looks. Everyone just sort of shrugged. "Whatever." Finally replied Kenny.

"Gee, th-thanks guys!" He sat down beside Kenny quickly, grinning. "All the other s-seats are sorta full, and, well no one really wants to share." Butters hadn't changed that much since fourth grade. He spoke out more passionately, though. He had to learn how to stand up for himself. That didn't mean he wasn't still a bashful idiot, but usually it was more aggravating than cute.

Kenny took off his hood and brushed back his hair with a hand. "Probably because nobody wants to catch your gay."

Butters got really flustered, either from anger or embarrassment. "Th-they do not!"

Being the reaction the other blonde was hoping for, Kenny laughed and punched Butters on the arm. "Calm your tits little girl! I'm only screwing with you."

"Ow," Butters rubbed his sore arm. "I'm not gay."

"If you say so dude." Stan finally got in on the action, speaking through a mouthful of buttery tasting mashed potatoes (they were a little chunky though).

"Why, I oughta-"

"What the fuck is this?"

Butters nearly jumped out of his pants. "Waahh!" He tilted his head back to see a pissed off Eric standing over him. He looked like he was about ready to dump his tray on Butter's head, but we all know Eric is too much of a fat ass to waste food.

"He wanted to sit with us." Explained Kyle.

"And you LET him?"

Butters looked like he was getting nervous, bringing his hands up to his chest and fidgeting."I don't want any trouble now, fellas! I can m-move!"

"Just say he can sit here before he wets himself." Kenny commented, leaning away from Butters and more toward Stan.

"It's really no problem, I-I mean-"

"Butters!" Eric nearly screamed, getting a terrified look from the blonde in front of him. There was a slight hesitation. Butters had the look of a kicked puppy; he almost always looked that way, though. "You know what? I really don't care." Eric finally sat down beside Butters, who was staring at him like he was about to be hit any moment.

"Thank God, if he wet himself he'd probably start crying." Stan said.

"Yeah, I hate when girls cry."

"Oh, shut up Kenny!" Butters crossed his arms. He'd hardly touched his food. He didn't want Eric to be angry with him for intruding, so he nudged it toward him. Kenny just sat there and grinned like an idiot. Butters was so weird.

"Geez Cartman, what crawled up your ass?" Asked Kyle, who was the only one on the other side of the table. He didn't really care, though.

"Nobody asked you, Jew." Eric then proceeded to scoop Butter's food onto his own tray without even a thank you.

Kyle narrowed his eyes. "Asked me what?"

"Exactly."

Eric was trying to be clever. Kyle hated that. And he really hated Eric. For some reason ever since about the third grade, the two had had it out for each other. The passion of battle still is present this year, obviously.

"Why do you always have to try and be so smug all the time?"

Stan sighed loudly and propped his head on a hand. "Here we go again. You guys need to grow up."

They both ignored him. "Smug? Smug?" Eric laughed. "I'm not smug. It's a well known fact that I'm just a little bit smarter than you, Kyle." He shrugged. The air of immaturity surrounding Eric was ever present.

"Ughhh!" Kenny planted his face on the table; grateful for once he didn't have enough money for lunch today.

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything fat ass?"

"Oh, nothing. Just that I have better grades, more money, and more friends than you is all." He shrugged again. "Everyone knows smart people are more cool and popular."

Sometimes it felt like Eric was just pulling things out his ass. "Whatever! You're just saying shit! And you know your highest grade on a good day is a C."

"Bull crap!" Eric turned to Butters who was watching the two intently. "Butters agrees with me, don't you Butters?"

"U-uh, well I-" Butters stammered awkwardly.

"Don't give into his crap Butters, he's just trying to get you on his side like he always does."

"But he r-really,"

"Go on Butters. Tell Kyle how you really feel! You didn't forget that we're best friends, did you, Butters?"

Butters blinked between them. Just earlier Eric had threatened him, and now he was claiming they were best friends! Well, that didn't really matter. Not to Butters, anyways. People threatened to beat him up all the time! It was usually Eric, to be honest. Not like he ever acted on it before.

"I guess, Eric." He finally said, fidgeting again. Kenny had by now pulled his hood back up, head still face planted and hands covering where his ears would be. Stan had sort of zoned out, and had finished his lunch. He looked irritated, though. Eric put an arm around Butters and stuck his tongue out at Kyle, who was fuming.

"That doesn't even prove anything!"

"It proves I have more friends than you, so ha!"

Butters had tensed up, though seemed rather ecstatic that Eric was suddenly being so friendly. An arm around the shoulder was one step away from a hug! "Y-yeah!" He agreed wholeheartedly.

Then the bell rung, and all the kids flooded back to class. Kyle argued with Eric the whole way, while Butters stayed under his (rather large) arm. Stan had just rolled his eyes and went back to class with Kenny. Kenny was a little distracted so he wasn't much for talk, unfortunately.

It was going to be a long week.

* * *

_**To be honest I started typing this for myself, since most buttman fics on here don't satisfy me and my tastes. Please point out errors. **_

_**I'll try and finish this.**_


	2. Kenny's Phone Number?

_**Uploading second chapter already. I have many chapters done since I been doing this fic for about a week, but I want to post this before I get too sleepy and pass out.**_

* * *

Ever since Tuesday it felt like Kyle and Eric were having a popularity contest. It was already Thursday, and he and Kyle had gotten into it several more times about the same thing. Eric was too stubborn to let his point go unproven. So, he was trying to convince Butters to help him.

"No w-way, Eric! You may be my b-b-best friend and all, but last time I helped you I just ended up getting g-grounded!" Huffed a frustrated Butters, who was sitting on a picnic table in the upper graders' playground (if you could call it that).

"But Butters, that's what best friends do for each other!" Eric whined, standing in front of him. Butters was making his best stubborn face, but Eric knew he would give in if he just kept talking. "They help each other in situations like this!"

"I don't think trying to make someone th-think you're better than them is really helping you. If you w-want to belittle someone just because _you_ have a huge ego, then that's y-your own problem! You can just go do it by yourself."

During 5th grade, Butters had become a lot more outgoing. It made him more resistant to being manipulated, but he could still be reached. It just took longer. And a lot more clever words. As a result, Eric learned to up his game a little more too. He'd make a fine con man.

"Listen, Butters. I can't do this without you." He kept a straight serious face. "If you don't help me, no one can. I need you Butters. The fate of my honor depends on you." He was playing the 'special snowflake' card. He even got onto his knees and assumed a begging position, clasping his fat little hands together.

Butters bore his sight down on Eric, who was obviously trying to make him feel like he was the one person the fat ass needed. He'd done this plenty times before. "The answer is still no!"

By now, Eric was getting a little pissed off. He learned that he had to become progressively more patient with the blonde since they've been growing up. It didn't make it any less painful. "Ack, Butters! Come oooooon!" he whined in a high pitched voice, almost visibly shaking. "I really can't do it without you!" Well, Butters was his first choice at least. Since he was the "easiest" to convince.

Butters looked away and thought a moment. He brushed some stray hairs out of his vision then looked back. "Okay." He finally gave in with a sigh. He hated himself for always caving in. But there was something about the bastard before him that made him almost always say yes. Eventually.

Eric jumped up on his feet and fist pumped in excitement. "Yes! Yes!" He gloated.

"But you gotta do s-something for me! In return!"

Eric seemed to shrink back down again. "Awww. Well, what the fuck do you want then?"

Butters suddenly became fidgety as he always did when getting nervous. He adverted his eyes and squirmed a little. He was obviously uncomfortable. "I waaaant. . uhhh." It was hard to finish without feeling awkward.

"Hurry up!"

"I want a phone number." He still refused to look him in the eyes.

Eric was quiet a moment. "Okay. Sure. I'll just go get a phone book and-" Smart ass.

"No!" Butters exclaimed, looking up. "I want someone from the schools number."

"Right. That narrows it down to about," Eric counted on his chubby fingers. "one, two. . over two hundred students."

"Uh, from the 8th grade?" Butters was about to make Eric explode.

"Who the fuck do you want me to get a phone number from, you stupid gay-wad?" Eric glared, yelling.

"H-hey! If you're gonna act like, a little wimpy baby, then maybe I just w-won't help you! Hmph!" Butters turned his chin up and his head away, arms crossed and shoulders hunched.

"Wait! Butters I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Look, just give me a name and I'll get you a number." His patients was wearing thin again. Their short recess was almost over, too.

"F-fine. Meanie." He turned his head back and took a breath. "Kenny?" It was more of a question than a statement. As if he didn't know himself.

This shocked Eric a little. "Why do you want that little shit's number? His phone is so jumpy! Ugh, I hate poor people so much."

"Yeah, well you hate everyone." Butters fiddled with his fingers. He avoided answering the question.

"Except you, of course." Eric had to keep him interested in his scheme.

Butters smiled and wiggled bashfully. He was too easy. "Ah, shucks!"

"Alright. I already have his number memorised, I just need some paper." Eric glanced around, and checked his pockets.

"Oh! I have a napkin!" Squeaked Butters. He dug into his pants pocket and pulled out a crumpled napkin. It wasn't used. Thank God.

"Let's just wait til we get to the class room and get some paper."

"W-well, alright Eric. I don't have a p-p-pen or pencil or anything, anyways!" He folded the napkin and put it back. Butters beamed as Eric finally sat down on the picnic table beside it. Albeit he sat on the table part, not the bench like Butters. "What now?"

Eric pulled out his cell phone from his jacket and glanced at it. "Recess is over in like, three minutes." He cursed himself for wasting all his time on Butters. Stupid blonde.

"A-alright."

Eric watched other kids with their cliques in boredom. The 'big kid' playground just had a swing set and some picnic tables. Usually everyone just hung around and talked, now days. He scowled at Kyle, who was with Stan and a couple of other peers. Kenny probably died earlier or something, because Eric didn't see him. Suddenly, a thought came to mind. "Butters?"

"Yeah Eric?" Butters turned his body slightly so it would not hurt his neck to look up at him. He smiled, happy to please.

"You never answered my question." Straight face. Serious face.

"O-oh? What question?"

"Why do you want that poor son of a bitches number?"

Eric learned to understand a long time ago the signs of someone keeping a secret. In Butters, it was especially obvious. It was like he didn't even try to hide it. "Uh. Well. Just t-to, call him I guess."

A-durr. "Yeah, captin obvious! WHY do you want to call him? He doesn't ever have much to talk about in real life, what makes you think he's better on some old static-y phone?" Eric crossed his arms. No more serious face. Just angry.

Butters fidgeted, then shrugged.

"No, God Dammit! That's not an answer Butters!"

"Well, y-you see-" Then the teachers blew their whistles. It marked class time being back in session. "Oh there's the whistle! S-see ya later!" Butters hastily stood up and trotted awkwardly away towards the flood of children.

"Butters, you stupid son of a bitch!" Yelled Eric, trying to waddle after him. "We have the same frigging class!"

* * *

Be brave, Butters. Be brave. Just pick up your phone. And call him. Just two friends having a chat. Even if it were static-y and skippy like Eric said on Thursday. He was probably just fibbing anyways.

It was Friday after school, and Butters stood over the table where the household phone sat. It was mocking him. In his hand he held a torn piece of paper with Kenny's digits on them. He wanted to be more social, and Kenny was nicer to him than a lot of people. That, and there were some 'other' reasons to call him. Butters didn't want to think about those right now. It would just make him too nervous.

He reached for the phone in an over dramatize, slow way. "C-come on, Butters. Don't pussy out now!" He rasped to himself.

"Butters!" Yelled an older voice, making Butters jump. It was his dad, who was probably peeking in from the back door. Today his father was doing yard work, and mother went out with friends.

"Yes sir?" He called back, dropping his arm and taking a breath.

"Are you about to use the telephone son?" Father yelled back.

How did he know these things? It was uncanny! "Oh, y-yes sir!"

"Well alright son, but if you're on it longer than thirty minutes you're grounded!"

Butters sighed in defeat. "Yes sir." It seemed like that was all he ever said to his dad. His father shut the door again, leaving Butters to his business. He muttered under his breath. "Stupid father. Hmph."

It felt like hours before he finally took the phone and went off to his room. He sat down on his neat made up bed and rubbed a thumb over the keypad. "Here goes n-nothing I guess."

He dialed the number. The phone rang. He waited. And waited. And waited. Then finally- the phone clicked in his ear as the other side picked up. Butters was quiet.

"Hello? Who the Hell is this?" Came a male voice. It sounded his age.

"Um. Uhhh. Is this the McCormick household?" He asked, unsure of himself. "I want to talk to Kenny, is he there?" He continued.

From the other side came shuffling and movement, and for a moment Butters though he had hung up.

"Ohhh, yes! This is Kenny!" If he didn't know any better, he could have sworn the pitch changed a little.

"G-great! Well-" Butters took a long pause. What was he supposed to say? _'I swear to God I've seen you undressing me with your eyes?' _"U-uhh. . You see, Kenny, This is Butters. I f-figured maybe cause we been talkin' a whole lot more, that umm. ."

"That what?" The higher-than-normal voice asked. "That we should go on a date sometime? Ohhh, Butters, you should have asked sooner!" More shuffling. Was that a muffled giggle he heard in the background?

Butters was getting confused. Kenny's voice wasn't that whiny. Not that he could ever recall. "K-Kenny? Are you laughing?"

"Oh-hhaha- no! Why w-would I laugh at-" The phone must have slipped from whoever was on the line, because there was a loud clatter in Butter's ear that made him flinch. He gave the phone a funny look as loud boastful laughter erupted from the device in his hands.

"Oh my God." Butters muttered, glaring at no one in particular. "Eric you bastard!" He hung up the phone right then and there and flung it onto his floor. That son of a biscuit! Butters lay back onto his pillows and began to sulk. He would get Eric back. He didn't like being a push over. Then, the phone rang again.

He glanced down at it, gritting his teeth. Butters was almost mad enough to cry. He let it ring again, before getting frustrated and sliding off his bed. He swiped the phone off the floor and answered.

"What the fuck Eric!" He yelled into the mouth piece. "I am so peeved! I-I trusted you, again, and you- you- agghh!" He spat a-mile-a-minute.

There was a giggle snort from the other line. "Oh come on-"

"No! Shut up! Just shut up! That's, that's just not cool! I thought you really grew out of wanting to just get on everyone's nerves. You know what? You can go screw yourself! And you can humiliate Kyle by yourself too. I don't want any part in it!" Butters was out of breath by now. "Goodbye!"

"Wait!" The other line began, getting Butters attention for a little while longer.

"What?" Butters yelled back.

"Okayokay, yeah I played a . . 'mean' joke on you. (Though I didn't expect you to figure out it was me so fast.)"

"I heard that! I figured it out because you gave yourself away with your stupid laugh. Butt licker."

"That's besides the point!" Eric ignored the bad attempt at a curse. "Butters, I'm sorry! I needed you to call me okay?"

Butters sat down again, free arm wrapped around his torso. "Whatever."

"Yeah, because I wanted to see if you could spend the night over here tomorrow. We have work to do for Monday"

"Agh!" Butters huffed. "I said do it yourself, didn't you hear me? And you could have just called me yourself! You have my number!"

Eric paused and sighed. "Listen. Butters. I'll give you his real number, alright? But you have to come over and get it."

"Why can't you just tell me now?"

"Because then I wouldn't get anything in return, dumby!"

"St-stop calling me names!"

"Yeah yeah, okay! Just see if you can come over tomorrow. Then you can have the actual number."

Butters was silent for a few seconds. "Well, you gotta p-promise not to play any more mean tricks on me."

Another exasperated sigh. "Cross my heart and hope to die"

Butters gave a small smile alone in his room. "Alright then! I'll call you tomorrow about it."

"Sweet!" Sucker.

"But, if you b-break your promise then I'm just gonna have to kill you!"

Eric laughed loudly. "I'd like to see you try!"

They exchanged short goodbyes and hung up. Butters spent the rest of his Friday playing video games, and practicing lame romantic talk in the mirror.


	3. Hi, Princess

"Hey, is this Domino's?"

"What? No." Stan replied into his cell phone. "How did you get this number?"

"So you DON'T have any pizza?" Giggling.

"Listen, if I find out who this is I'm going to kick your ass!"

"W-well, is your refrigerator running?" asked a different voice.

Stan stared blankly. He was done. He was just done. "You know what. Yeah. It is."

"Then you better go catch it! Hahaha!" Then the other side hung up. Stan rolled his eyes and checked the caller I.D. again. It was a number he didn't recognize. The voices sounded so familiar, though! He shrugged it off and put his phone back on the charger, sitting it down on the kitchen counter. He retrieved a bag of plain potato chips and returned to his room.

"Yooo! You took too long! Gimme!" exclaimed Kenny, laying up on Stan's messy bed and reaching out for the chips. It was Saturday and both Kenny and Kyle were staying over. Nobody wanted to invite Cartman. So, they just never called him.

"Kenny, don't eat them all! You don't want to look like Cartman do you?" Kyle commented. He sat crossed legged on the floor, fiddling with his fancy touch-screen phone (which took forever to beg out of his parents).

Stan tossed the unopened bag to Kenny and flopped face first onto his bed where Kenny wasn't occupying it.

"Shut the fuck up dude, you know I don't gain weight. I can eat whatever the hell I want and never get fat! Ha!" he sat up straight and opened the bag, taking a handful and shoving it into his mouth without a second thought.

"No Seriously dude. Give me some!" Kyle leaned back on the side of the bed, looking away from his phone to try and reach for the bag.

"No fucking way!" Kenny rose the bag a little higher. Not like Kyle could reach in the first place. Crumbs littered his pants and the bed. He was wearing a plain black shirt and jeans; his jacket hung on the door knob of Stan's closet. So his rarely seen fair hair was visible for once.

Stan turned over. "Someone called asking for Domino's pizza." he said plainly, rather bored.

Kyle stopped trying to get the bag and stood up, stretching his sleepy legs. "Did you see what the number was?"

"Yeah, but I didn't know it."

"I bet Cartman gave some bastard your number to prank call you." Kenny suggested through his mouthful of salty potato chips.

"Yeah." Agreed Kyle, finally reaching over and being allowed some of the snack.

Stan sat up and unconsciously slumped over. "Then someone else started talking about my refrigerator." He paused. "Pretty sure it sounded like Butters."

"Butters?" Asked Kenny, who acted surprised.

Stan shrugged. "Not really a big deal. I can probably just block the number or something."

"Wasn't Butters talking to Cartman Thursday?" Kyle mentioned, sitting back down. He started texting someone, God knows who.

"I don't know." shrugged Kenny. He wasn't there Thursday. "I skipped."

"Yeah," Kyle continued with a unnoticed nod "He was with Cartman, because I saw him across the playground. Cartman was on his knees like a little fag."

"He is a little fag!" Kenny agreed with a laugh.

"Text Cartman and tell him he needs to fuck off." Stan said with slight frustration. "You got his number right?"

"Yeah." Kyle pulled it up on his phone and opened it. He began to type.

"If Butters is there, tell him I said hi, princess!" Kenny included, grinning and licking his lips. He had eaten nearly half the bag already.

Kyle laughed and sent the text. "God, I hate Cartman."

* * *

A stream of snickers escaped the scrawny blonde boy's mouth as he sat on the couch of his best friend's living room cross legged. He rubbed his hands together in the cliche 'I'm so bad' way. "Another person's night ruined, by I- Butters Stotch!"

Eric giggled beside him, a healthy distance away. "Stan won't know it's us, either, thanks to my new cell phone! Mawahahaha!" They exchanged a vigorous high five.

"Who're we gonna p-prank call next?" Butters asked, grinning evilly.

"Well, I think that's about enough prank calling for tonight." Eric replied, getting off the couch. His old cat rubbed against his leg and made a feeble meow. "No, Mr. Kitty! Go away!" He gently pushed him away with a foot, then sat his new cell phone on the table beside the couch. Mr. Kitty scampered else where.

"What? Awww! But we haven't spread that much evil yet!" Butters lowered his head and pouted in disappointment. It was rather cute. "What are we g-gonna do now?"

"We have plenty of time for evil, Butters. In fact, we have allll night. Please, let's step back into my room." He gestured toward the stairs. Butters scooted off the couch and they went up the stairs to Eric's room. Butters wondered how Eric was able to get up them without running out of breath after the first couple steps. Then he felt bad (but not too bad) for thinking that.

"Butters. Remember why I called you here to my house." Eric began, standing in the middle of his messy room.

Butters glanced around as he stepped in, though he'd spent the night here a thousand times. He gingerly avoided clothing and toys that littered the floor. "Oh well yeah, cause you want m-me to help you make Kyle feel lousy."

"Correct." Eric went over and sat down at his desk, which housed an up to date computer. Beside it sat a printer, and stacks upon stacks of paper. Butters followed him over and stood looming, since there was no where else to sit at the desk. "Now, I have a plan."

"Wh-what is it?"

Eric turned in his seat and gave Butters the most serious expression he could pull. "Print. Money."

Butters looked dumbfound. Then confused. Then a little angry, too. "But isn't that illegal?" He squeaked, trying not to freak out.

"Yes. But only if they find out." Eric turned back to his computer and opened up a image file. "See, here we have a ten dollar bill. All we have to do, is print hundreds of these on the blank sheets of paper. Then, we print out the backsides. After that, we just need to cut them out, make them smell fresh, and boom. I'm rich and Kyle will see how much better I am than him, because he'll look poor!" He started laughing and loading paper into the printer.

Butters face palmed and frowned deeply. "Eric," he began. "I don't think that will work!"

"Of course it will! It has to! You see, Jew brains aren't smart enough to tell the difference between real money, and fake money. So even if I can't spend it, Kyle will still look as poor as Kenny!"

Butters crossed his arms and put his weight on one leg. "I don't see why y-you guys are still being so mean to each other. It's stupid! Cause, all you guys do is argue, and then you come up with some scheme. But it almost always backfires!"

Eric sighed, scooting his chair away from the computer a little. "That's just the way it is, Butters. Get used to it." He loaded more paper into the printer and scooted back up to begin the printing process. This was such a dumb idea. Even Butters could see how bad this was going to work out!

"Well, if all you gotta do is print money, why the heck do you n-need me for?"

"To cut them out, duh!"

"Oh, right." Butters thought it was more likely because Eric just couldn't fit his fat fingers in the scissors himself. He decided not to say this. Then, he went over to Eric's bed and sat down. There wasn't much else to do. He looked over at the nightstand, where a lamp, a small toy, and Eric's personal cell phone sat. This was the one he used when he wanted to have a real conversation with someone. The new one was for screwing with people who already knew his number.

Butter picked it up and slid it open. "Uhhh, Eric, you have a text message."

"Ey!" Eric yelled. "Don't touch my cell phone!" He got up as the paper began to print off the fake money.

"I'm not!" Butters handed it over to Eric, who opened the text and scowled at the screen. "Aw, shit, I thank Stan knew we prank called him."

"Why? Wh-what does it say?"

Eric held the phone out so Butters could read it himself._"Stan says not to call his cell phone again or he's going to beat your ass. Also, Kenny says to tell Butters 'Hi, princess.'"_

Butters made a face. "P-Princess?" He snatched the phone out of Eric's hand. He practically ignored Kyle's threat from Stan.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Eric didn't like people messing with his phone.

"I'm gonna tell him I'm not a princess, is what!"

"Wow, threatening." Eric went back to his computer to get online while the money printed. "Just don't forget to tell him it's you. I don't want to look like a pussy, dude. And tell Stan to go fuck himself."

Butters wasn't paying any attention, and typed up a hasty reply. _"I'm not a girl! Kenny, stop being a faggot. Why don't you like, go suck a dick or something? - Butters" _That'll show him!

He sat the phone in front of him as he pulled his legs up on the bed; glaring poison at the cellular device. Soon, the phone vibrated, and he checked for the reply.

"_Sure. What time you wanna meet? - Kenny." _Butters didn't think his face could get any redder.


	4. What Emotion?

"Uggghhh, Eric, how many more fake dollars do we n-need to print off?" moaned Butters from the floor, where he was cutting out the obviously counterfeit money. It was too stiff to NOT be noticed.

"At least one zillion." Eric answered. He was laying on his bed, reading some super hero comic book. The printer was set to print over fifty more copies, so it would be a while. There was at least forty dollars on each page.

"But, Eric, that's not a real number."

"Shut up, it is so!"

Butters sighed and didn't reply. Eric's cell phone made a 'ding' beside his leg (he switched the sound back on about twenty minutes ago). He and Kenny had been continuing a steady conversation for the past hour. Kenny was using Stan's phone, though, since he didn't actually have money for one. He stopped cutting out paper money and picked up the phone with a light smirk.

"_You should stop hanging out with that asshole, dude, and hang out with us. - Kenny"_

Butters typed away at the keypad. _"But Eric is my best friend! And besides, he doesn't really have many other friends. You guys are kinda awful to him. Maybe he's just lonely? - Butters"_ He set the phone back down and wiggled his fingers. His hands were getting cramped.

"So who you talking to? Kenny still?" Eric asked casually.

"Oh, yeah." He shrugged and laid down on the floor, moving a shirt out of the way. His back was hurting, too.

Eric frowned behind his comic. "Ugh, don't know why you bother with that dick hole."

'Ding.' Kenny sure did reply fast. _"Lonely? Ha! If you weren't so cute I'd have to punch you next time I see you for even suggesting that. Cartman doesn't have any feelings, hurrr! - Kenny"_

Butters smiled in a stupid way. _"Oh gee, be nice! He does too have feelings. Sometimes. You really think I'm cute? - Butters"_

"What the hell are you two even talking about? I bet he's telling you all about his poor problems isn't he? Kenny always was a self centered bastard."

"N-no, we're talking about you, as a matter of fact!"

Eric sat up and set his comic down. "Me? What the fuck his he saying? Tell that ass if he has something to say, he can say it to my motherfucking face!" He looked awful angry.

"Oh no, it's nothing you haven't heard before, he's just-" There was a knock at the door. It opened and Eric's mother peeked in. Butters sat back up.

"Do you two kids need anything? I went to the store today so there are plenty of snacks in the kitchen." Her voice was always pleasant to hear.

"No thank you mom. Now get out of here, Butters and I are trying to have a serious conversation you stupid bitch!"

"Okay sweetie, you two have fun." She closed the door and left.

'Ding.'

"Alright, give me my fucking phone!" Eric slid off his bed and waddled over hastily. Before Eric could get it Butters panicked and grabbed it unconsciously. "Butters! Phone, now!"

"Nuh-uh! You'll probably just y-yell at me for t-talking to him. Then call me a fag!"

"If you don't give me my goddamn cell phone, I'm going to kick you in the balls!" Eric yelled, stomping a foot. He was used to getting his way, so Butters had better cooperate soon.

"Ahh, nooo!" Butters feebly tossed the cell phone away like it had spontaneously combusted.

Eric lept and caught it, opening the text as if his life depended on it. Butters sat there and fiddled with his fingers in embarrassment.

"_If you can give me one time he's shown personal emotion and wasn't just being a dick, I'll agree with you. But if not, I know somebody who does have emotion. You're cuter than any other blondes I know. Other than myself. ;) - Kenny" _

Eric gritted his teeth. He wasn't sure what he was more pissed off about; Kenny saying Eric was incapable of emotions, or that Kenny was trying to flirt. He began to text back, muttering under his breath. "Stupid prick."

"E-Eric? What did he say?" Butters asked innocently, a little scared of Eric's wrath. He stood up and walked beside Eric to watch him type a reply.

"_Go fuck yourself you little asshole! I've got more emotion than you, Stan, and that motherfucking Jew put together! It just comes with the whole 'being smarter than Kyle' package. And stop flirting with Butters you gay dick!"_ He didn't tag his name. Kenny would understand who it was from.

"Well golly Eric, I didn't think that w-would get under your skin so bad!" Butters commented truthfully, taking a step back. He wore a worried look, which he usually wore when he was uncomfortable or felt he was about to get his ass whopped. He probably was.

Eric outwardly sighed and surprisingly went back over to his bed with the phone. He continued reading the comic like nothing had ever happened. Butters was left standing there, rather confused. He tilted his head. "What did his text s-say?" He prodded again.

"It didn't say shit, you can't text him on my phone anymore. He's just a dirt poor asshole."

Butters shrugged. "Well, he was bein' awful nice to me. Maybe he just doesn't like you?"

Eric rolled his eyes. "The only reason he wasn't being a total douche, was because he wants in your pants dude. I thought you hung out with him enough to know how desperate he was."

Butters looked around with panic, then down at the floor. "Oh n-no- he doesn't want in my pants. Kenny is straight!" He knew he was lying to himself.

"Straight as a rainbow!"

"I guess." Then, Butters sat back down in his spot and continued to slowly cut out money. "But at least he's nicer to me than you are. Even if you are my best friend, and even if he does sometimes call me gay."

Eric didn't reply, and he never did give Butters Kenny's number like he had promised the night before.


	5. Jews Can't Tell the Difference

_**Another one today.**_

* * *

Second week of school. Oh boy. Mondays really sucked ass! The subjects were boring, the routine was boring, and the kids Cartman had to see everyday were boring. The only good thing about today, was that Eric could continue his master plan with Butters. He would flaunt his fake money in front of Kyle, sure that his Jew brain could never tell the difference. Even if it were obvious to everyone else. Then Kyle would get on his knees and cry, begging Cartman for forgiveness.

Oh, how he loved seeing people on their knees.

Everyone was making their way to their homeroom for their first class. Kids where crowding the hallways and filling it with chatter. This was where it all went down. Eric and Butters walked side by side down the hallway, looking smug and full of attitude. Eric's pockets were jammed full of the counterfeit dollars, all crumpled up in the small space. He wore fake gold necklaces and walked with a stride. Butters did his best to mimic him.

"Oh hey Kyyyle!" Eric greeted as he and Butters stopped before Kyle, who was getting a book from his locker before the bell.

"Yeah, hey Kyle!" Butters repeated more blissfully with a wave.

Kyle looked at the two suspiciously. "What do you want fat ass? You can't have my lunch money."

"Why would I need your Jew money when I'm loaded?" He replied, lifting his chin up condescendingly.

"Y-yeah!" Butters nodded, grinning widely.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kyle asked, shutting his locker and scowling.

"Well," Eric began "I've got about three hundred bucks on hand right now. The rest is at home, but all together I have about one zillion." He looked completely serious, hands behind his back.

Kyle looked him up and down. "Bullshit! That's not even a real number!"

"It is so shut your fucking face!"

Butters just gave a stern nod.

"What are you guys talking about?" Stan asked, walking up from behind Eric.

Kyle held out a hand toward Eric to gesture toward him. "Cartman says he had three hundred bucks with him right now! There's no way he'd be able to get that much money on his own!"

"Dude, do you seriously have three hundred dollars?" Stan asked with a little astonishment. He doubted Eric actually did, though.

"H-Hell yeah he does!" answered Butters with a rare curse.

"Oh yeah? Well show us Cartman!" Kyle demanded.

Eric crossed his arms and glared. "I will!" He reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out a wad of crushed papers. If it weren't for the money being on regular computer paper, it would have been convincing. He straightened them the best he could and smiled smugly. "What did I tell you?"

"That's just-"

"WAHHH!" Butters suddenly screamed, jumping forward and drawing everyone's attention from Eric. Kenny was laughing loudly where Butters originally stood, barely able to breathe.

"Ow! He, he smacked my bottom!" Butters pouted and turned his head around to rub his now slightly sore butt. Kenny sure did hit him awful hard.

Eric's mouth gaped slightly. Kenny was really getting on his last nerve! "Kenny! The FUCK man!" He yelled. "You don't just go and smack a guys ass!" He had to resist himself from beating Kenny's face in right then and there.

When Kenny finally was able to catch his breath, he straightened his back and continued to smile. "Oh like you're any fucking better, Cartman. Hahaha! Hey, is that a wad of cash in your hands? Dude! Where did you get that?"

Stan had left them. He was done. He was just done. Kyle was on the verge of punching Cartman in the face, until Butters had had his rear assaulted. "It's fake, Kenny. It's just money printed on blank paper."

Cartman ignored Kenny and pointed at Kyle. "You're just jealous because I have more money than you! Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh! I got more moooney!" He did a little dance.

Butters walked to the other side of Eric to try and avoid getting smacked again. He gave Kenny a cautious glance. Good thing Kenny was distracted.

"But, because I am so generous and awesome, I will share my hard earned money with you all!" He grabbed another handful of money with his other hand then tossed the money into the air. "Free money for everyooone! Even the less intelligent Jew, because that's just how nice I am!" He held his arms up as the paper showered them. Some kids stopped to pick up the dollars, but would turn them into paper wads upon realizing they were fake.

"Sweet!" Kenny snatched some from the air and they crinkled in his gloved hands. He looked at the thirty dollars now in his possession then frowned. Of course Kyle was right. Getting a look at the money proved it. "What. The. Fuck. Seriously man? Fake money?" He wadded the paper and threw it at Cartman's head.

"Ey!" Eric took Butters and pushed him in front of himself as a shield.

"Ah, ahh!" Butters yelped getting hit.

Kenny frowned deeper. "That's cheating you mother fucker. I could have damaged his wittle girl face!" He reached out and rubbed Butter's cheeks. Eric pulled Butters away quickly. Okay, so letting him get hit with paper wads was fine, but someone else touching his face wasn't. Eric had perfect logic. Seriously though, if the sexual assault wasn't enough.

The bell rang, but Cartman and Kenny didn't move. "Screw this." Kyle said and went to class, which was only another few doors down. They had five more minutes to get into class before the doors closed.

"No touching his face!" Eric growled, hands locked firmly on Butter's arms.

"Ow, ow, okay that kinda hurts." Butters said, his plea going unheard.

"Why not?" Kenny tested, taking his hood off. His hair was messy, but it looked good on him. "Is your name written on him somewhere?

"Because I'll bash your fucking face in is why! Butters is _MMMY_ minion!"

Butters squirmed a little. Eric was making him sound like an object, but at least he seemed to care. "Awww, Eric." He smiled, getting flustered.

"Shut up Butters! The adults are talking!"

"Okay."

"And he'll only ever be a minion to you, Cartman. People aren't slaves you fat prick! Unless," Kenny grinned toward Butters "you're into that sorta thing." He chuckled darkly.

Butters looked around nervously. "Oh Jesus!" He was getting a little uncomfortable. But only a little.

"You know what Kenny? You can go fuck yourself, and your mom!" Eric let go of one of Butters arms and pointed. "We're going to go before that fat bitch-ass teacher gets pissed, but I swear to God Kenny you better stop being such a horny gay wad. And keep your hands off Butters! That includes his ass and face!"

"Same difference."

With that, Eric drug Butters along to class with him. The clamp on his numbing arm didn't let up as he pulled him forward with anger. "Thinks he can do whatever the heck he wants, man whore." They entered the class just as the bell rung. Eric finally released Butters arm, so Butters sighed in relief as the blood began to flow again. He looked rather happy, if not happier than normal.

"Sit down, kids. I'm about to take roll." The teacher called out to get control of her room. Everyone took their seats and continued to talk.

Butters ended up walking around the school for the rest of the day with an embarrassingly large **"PROPERTY OF ERIC CARTMAN"** scribbled onto his forehead in permanent marker.


	6. What are YOU Going to do About it?

It was so hard to focus. Eric had work to do, but he just couldn't stay concentrated. He was trying to come up for ideas to continue degrading Kyle, but nothing was coming to mind. Earlier today during school, he had gloated about being totally more rich than Kyle. It worked well, if Eric did say so himself! He propped his head up with a hand on his desk, sitting in his room with the lights out.

"_Shit Cartman, you were right! You are WAY richer and cooler than I am! All I'll ever be is a poor, dirty, covetous Jewish boy!"_ Eric played in his head, in Kyle's voice. He smiled dreamily. Eric loved winning.

But now, he was out of ideas. The only other thing he could think about was calling Butters. His trusted minion. His- though he wouldn't admit to it seriously- only _**real**_ friend. The blonde haired and blue eyes scrawny kid who found it hard to say no, if you bothered him long enough. He was submissive, sometimes stupid, and childlike. _His _Butters, who was being hit on by Kenny. Eric shouldn't be thinking about this.

He sighed in frustration and picked up his cell phone to call Butter's house, finally giving in. The answering machine picked up, and he growled. "Butters! I need your help! I swear to God if you don't pick up, I'm going to come over to your house and beat the shit out of you." He waited a second. "Butters come oooooon!" He whined.

"Uh, hello? Who is this?" a older male voice finally picked up.

"Oh thank God. Is Butters there? We need to talk about something important." Cartman tapped a finger on his desk, staring at his ceiling.

"Yes, he's in his room playing with his toys. I'll tell him one of his little friends is on the line."

Eric snickered. Playing with his toys? An 8th grader? What a queer. Because Cartman totally doesn't do that.

"H-hello?" Finally asked Butters voice with confusion after a wait.

"Butters!" Eric yelled with excitement.

"What I do?"

"Nothing- I need your help with the next step in humiliating Kyle." He leaned back in his chair.

"Oh. Well, okay Eric! What are we going to d-do?"

Eric was silent a moment. He made a thoughtful sound before answering. "I have no fucking clue. I have to make myself look smarter than him in class. Yeah, that's a good idea. This should be no problem! I just have to answer all the questions right on everything ever."

"Gee, how are you going to do that?"

Eric laughed lightly. His mind was going blank again. This didn't usually happen, and he wasn't sure if he liked it. "Cheating. Duh."

"Oh. B-but what if you get caught?"

"That's where you come in." Eric grinned to himself in his room. "You are going to cheat for me. You get good grades, right? Just write my name on your paper, and I'll write yours on mine. There's no way to be caught!"

Butters huffed and frowned on the other end. "But Eric, my parents will be real sore if I get bad grades! W-while, they'll probably even punish me with a good spanking! And, I got enough of that today from Kenny. It still kinda h-hurts too!"

Eric found himself getting pissed at the mention of Kenny. "Fuck Kenny, and fuck your parents!"

"Th-that's not very nice to say! I just wish he didn't h-hit so hard. S'not the first time he did it, neither. But father hits harder, can't we do something else?"

Eric replied with a long silence and a sigh. He wasn't going to let Butters have his way. "Okay." What? Didn't he just tell himself he wasn't going to give in to Butters? Shit.

"What? R-really? Thanks Eric! You're the best! I don't think I could stand another whoopin', I got one just last w-week for forgetting to fold the clothes for my mom."

"Whatever." Eric felt warm. It was making him a little sick, in a good way. "What do you suggest we do then?"

"Well, maybe, since you can't cheat, you should just find some other way to m-make Kyle look not very cool."

"Ugh, but I told him I get better grades than him last week."

Butters thought a second. "Does Kyle have a girlfriend?"

"What?"

"You know! A lady you hold hands with, and kiss and stuff. A girlfriend!"

"Wait a second, he doesn't! Ha! You're a genius Butters!" Eric stood from his chair in his excitement.

"Oh golly, I am? Wait till I tell dad!" Butters clapped awkwardly with the phone between his hands.

"Alright, I'll formulate a plan and give it to you at school tomorrow morning. Be prepared for the scheme of a life time!" Then, he just hung up.

"Bye." Butters said after the other side went dead. He grinned blissfully. He couldn't believe it; him- a genius!

* * *

"Okay Butters," Eric glanced around the lunchroom. The two were sharing a lonely table away from their usual group. Not suspicious at all. "are you ready for this?"

"You're darn tootin' I am!" He leaned forward over the table, grinning.

Eric let himself laugh a little, the corners of his mouth twitching. He laid out a slightly torn piece of paper in the middle of the table. On it badly drawn plans depicted- wait a second. .

Butters didn't look much farther into the plan other than the first scribbly image. "You want me to be Marjorine again? But Eric- that was forever ago! I, I don't think I have the costume anymore! It wouldn't even fit. And wouldn't Kyle j-just know it was me? You'd think he'd r-remember me getting' all dressed up like a pretty girl!"

Ha, pretty. Eric thought Butters looked better as a boy to be honest. No homo. He shook the thoughts away. "Shit Butters, why do you have to poke holes in my plans all the time? I stayed up all night making this! Ugh! Not cool, dude!" He threw his arms into the air in exaggeration.

Butters looked away and tapped his fingers together, feeling dejected. "Oh w-well gee, sorry Eric. I d-don't mean to." He had that kicked puppy look again.

Oh, God. This was killing Eric. It was killing him in ways he couldn't place a finger on. He sighed, resisting the urge to lean over and shift the hair from starting to cover Butter's eyes. He was being so damn gay right now, but was increasingly not giving a single fuck. It was Kenny's fault anyways, for making him have to be so protective.

Butters was like a little baby who needed taking care of 24/7. He was _Eric's _little baby. He decided it would not be wise to share this with anyone.

"No no, it's fine Butters. It's fine." He slumped over the table and laid his head on top of his arms. "What the fuck do I do now?"

Butters shrugged, continuing to fidget. "I'unno. Sorry." This gained another awkward twitchy smile from Eric.

"Well!" Suddenly came the loud voice of Kenny, plopping down beside Butters and grinning at Eric. "If you're talking about Kyle, _I _could always dress up as a girl and pretend to be your girlfriend."

"Kenny!" Eric yelled, lifting his head up and slamming a fist. He was still really pissed off at this douche bag. Always getting in he and Butter's business.

"Wait- Eric- that could work!" Butters smiled and nodded. "Since he would be different, than Marjorine, Kyle wouldn't be able to tell! And nobody w-would ask where Kenny is at!"

"No, FUCK no! I am not going to pretend to be this bastards boyfriend, even to humiliate Kyle!" He slammed his fists again, practically on the edge of his seat. "There is a line, people, and I will not cross it!"

"Eric, don't be like that! Come on, when do I ever offer to help you?" Kenny pretending to pout.

"Exactly!" Eric crossed his arms and glared harshly. His eyes burned into Kenny's. Butters really had no idea why Eric had been so sore with Kenny, lately. He supposed it had to do with Kenny _"trying to get in your pants, dude"_ as Eric at stated. Strange how he would care; though it was likely Eric just didn't want to hang around a fag, if Butters actually LET Kenny into his pants.

"I'm just bein' friendly, Eric. Why can't you accept anyone's help besides Butters?"

"Because Butters isn't a scheming asshole who's friends with the Jew!" He yelled back.

Kenny pulled down his hood and put an arm around Butters. "But I'm friends with Butters! Isn't that right, Butters?" Now, this sounded a little familiar. The tone of his voice came out mockingly. Kenny was teasing Eric.

Eric leaned over the table and pointed an accusing finger at Kenny. "Hands off him you fag!"

Butters had a wobbly grin, a little unsure of what was going on. He didn't want to make Eric mad, but he didn't want to upset Kenny or anything either. "C-calm down fellas, there's enough of Butters to go around!"

"See? He likes me, he didn't deny it!" Kenny exclaimed, pulling his and Butters shoulders together.

Eric's face went red. "He didn't say SHIT! Now get your fucking arm off of _MY_-"

"Your what? Oh, that's right, your "minion." He's NOT just an object, Cartman! Besides, what are **YOU** going to do about it?"

Eric made a gargle of frustrated sounds. He turned his head away, as if to tell them he was done with this argument.

"That's what I thought." Kenny boasted, turning towards Butters.

"Uh, Eric?" Butters questioned, before having his face turned gently so as to meet Kenny's bright blue eyes.

"It's about time I made something abundantly clear, Butters." His arm slipped from Butter's shoulder to his waist, making him squirm.

"Something? What s-something?" Butters was getting nervous. He couldn't tell if it was a sick nervous, or a butterfly nervous. As if there is a difference.

Kenny leaned in and- _holy shit. _"Mphhh?" Butters face went bright red, contrasting with his aqua blue jacket easily. Yes, it was really that fucking red.

_Ohmanohman, Kennyiskissingme!_ Butters leaned back to break it without thinking, and looked straight at Eric with shock. By now, Eric had stood up and had murder in his eyes. Also, a tray in one hand. Yeah.

The next thing Kenny knew, there was a sharp pain in the side of his face and the floor had caused his head to hurt like hell. Ouch.

* * *

_**Hullo! **_

_**I'd appreciate some feed back, and help with any mistakes I may have made. Please and thank you!**_


	7. He Had it Coming

"What the Hell are they up to now?" Kyle narrowed his eyes at Cartman and Butters sitting away from them. They were still eating, but talking vigorously about something. Kyle was suspicious.

"Cartman is probably just confessing his undying gay love for Butters." Stan replied, not looking up. He sat beside Kyle and picked at crumbs from what once was a sandwich with a plastic fork.

"Probably." Kenny repeated. He watched them along with Kyle, wondering what they must be saying. Cartman had been giving him a lot of grief the past few days. So what if he wanted to flirt with Butters? Why should Cartman care? All Kenny wanted to do was experiment, and Butters was an easy target. Just a cute little virgin.

Stan chuckled and grinned wickedly at Kenny. "I think he's trying to keep you away, Dude. So he moved tables and made Butters come with him."

"Why the fuck would he do that?"

"Don't play dumb, you used my phone to text the guy for over an hour! Didn't even delete the texts!"

"Just look at'em! Plotting. Scheming." Kyle muttered. Cartman and Butters had finished their trays, and were now looking at some piece of paper on the table. "That stupid fake money ploy probably wasn't the last dumb thing he's going to try and pull on me this week."

Stan nodded. And Kenny growled. He suddenly said "Cartman can't do shit about me and Butters."

"Woah, Kenny, you ARE gay?" Kyle asked, snapping out of it.

"No! I'm not a queer, like Cartman." He paused. "I just want to experiment with different pleasures, is all. I heard from a guy in our class that your ass is sensitive like a chick's vagina or something."

"I don't care what it feels like, I'd never stick anything up my ass. Especially not a dick." Stan replied dully.

"Me either." Kyle hoped nobody noticed his side glance toward Stan.

"Shut the fuck up, guys." And, they did. "Watch, I'm going to go piss Cartman off bad. This is going to be hilarious!" Then, Kenny got up and started toward the lone pair.

"Oh God. Now you AND Kenny are going to be at war with Cartman for the rest of your lives." Stan droned, rubbing his temples.

"What's he going to do?" Kyle mused, blinking as Kenny took a seat with the fat ass and queer. They watched with curiosity, until it became painfully obvious what Kenny was doing. He was making Cartman jealous. Over _Butters_.

"Maybe he really was confessing his undying love earlier?" Stan questioned. Kyle just shrugged.

Then, before long, Kenny had gotten his mouth on Butters, and had succeeded in royally giving Cartman some butthurt.

"Holy shit dude!" Kyle exclaimed. "I thought he was just kidding about wanting it up the ass!"

Eric had stood up across the room, and with all the ease of an elephant squishing a mouse, walloped Kenny upside the head with an empty tray. There came a distant yelp from their now helpless friend as he fell back from his seat onto the hard cafeteria floor. All the kids stood up and crowded around them to chant _"fight, fight."_ Eric got from around the table and started to beat the ever loving hell out of Kenny.

Stan and Kyle had rushed there way through the crowd to the front. Everyone in the school loved a good fight- but damn, how could Kenny fight back? He lay pinned by Eric on the floor taking it like a little school girl. He received hard blows from Eric's massive hands, busting his nose and blackening his eyes.

"E-Eric stoooop!" Butters cried from where he still sat, face hidden in his hands. He was peeking, naturally. "Stooooop!"

It took four teachers to pull Cartman away (fat ass). When they finally separated him from Kenny, who was curled in on himself on the floor, Eric was red-faced and full of Adrenalin. "I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL, KENNY! I HOPE YOU BURN!"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other. Kenny sorely sat up, and shamefully pulled his hood up as he was forced to stand and escorted by a teacher after Eric.

In any other situation, Butters would have been cheering with the other students. Not this time. His best friend had just broken up a suitors face. He sat there and let himself shake like the pussy he was.

…...

The principal had not said a word yet. She just sat there; sat with her forehead in her hands and elbows propped on the desk.

Eric was not a patient boy. He sat in a chair before her old wood desk, where he had sat what felt like a million times out of his 13 years of life. His arms were crossed and he just stared at the floor. He had too much bothering his mind to have to deal with this shit.

"Eric." She finally began through a disappointment sigh.

"That asshole had it coming, Principal Victoria! Did you see what he fucking did to Butters? He could have gotten aids! I was just acting in self defense since Butters couldn't protect himself, even if he owned an entire arsenal of military weapons!" Eric spewed quickly in his defense before she could get another word out.

She took a deep breath and lifted her head. "Eric," she repeated "you could have put that young man in the hospital."

"So? Didn't you just hear what I said? That prick put his mouth where it shouldn't have been! He sexually assaulted someone!" Eric kicked his legs like a child.

"We're not talking about him right now."

Eric, ever pissed, replied "Well when you do you have to expel him! He's a fucking sex offender!"

"Listen, you don't want to be here, and I don't want to be here. I'm going to give you In School Suspension for the rest of the week, and you can go on with your life." She said calmly. She had dealt with this kid for so long, she had become pretty immune to him.

"And Kenny?"

"Unless Butters wants something done there's nothing I can do."

"God dammit! What has our justice system gone to? Yeah, thanks! Thanks President Obama!" He called out to the ceiling sarcastically.

"Just sign these papers Eric and get the Hell out of my office."

He grudgingly complied, then went on his way. When he returned to his class, they all stared. There was a mix of feelings among them. Some people asked about the details, annoying the teacher since it was disturbing her class.

Butters, however, did not say a single word to him.

* * *

_**Haven't been typing anything new, so here's one of the chapters that's been sitting around forever.**_


	8. Leviticus (18:22)

It was strange. Eric had half expected Butters to call him last night and scold him for getting into a fight over him. Butters didn't though, and Eric found himself a little disappointed. He sat in a desk inside a dull room within the office, facing the wall. He was supposed to be doing work his teacher assigned him, but instead he just sat there.

Yesterday, he recalled, his mother had been pissed off to hear that her little sweetheart had gotten in trouble for standing up to another student. At least, that's what Eric convinced her to think. At first she had been solely angry that he had started a fight with one of his friends. But Eric used his silver tongue to persuade her that he was the victim.

Too bad it didn't help his cause any. He still had to serve the rest of the week at this desk, alone from the other students. He was even forced to have lunch separately, for fear he may "viciously assault someone again" as the crusty man who would check up on him every so often put it.

He doodled on his paper with a bored yawn. It was like he was dying! It wasn't the punishment that was killing him, though. He had been punished plenty of times, and had his fair share of ISS. It was the thought hat Butters might be pissed off at him that messed with his head. Eric hated to admit it, but maybe he had acted irrationally. What was the world coming to?

Now, not only were his plans of humiliating Kyle this week screwed over, but his chance with Butters was likely screwed over, too. _Chance with Butters? _

"Ah, shit." Eric Cartman was an abomination under God.

He stared down at the worksheet in front of him; if it were possible the thin paper would have been set on fire. Stopping his doodling, he laid his head down and sighed loudly, hands ringed into his soft brown hair.

"Hey!" Called the voice of the old man who checked on him from a open door behind Eric. "No sleeping! Head up."

Eric groaned and lifted up his head from the paper. He heard the man walk away, and flipped him off as he was alone in the room. Then, he casually scribbled out the heart with Butter's name in it from the side of his worksheet.

God, Eric was such a queer._ Sick._


	9. Rejection

"Gee, I'm real sorry about Eric, Kenny." Butters said truthfully, standing at Kenny's door. The beaten up taller blonde boy had stayed home today in shame. So, after school Butters came in hopes of making it up to him. And maybe, Kenny wouldn't hold a grudge on Eric either. Both of them knew how Eric was. He was just a big violent prick. But, he was Butter's violent prick.

"Ain't the first time that dick has busted my nose." Kenny replied, leaning on his old door frame. "It's still embarrassing though. Bastard surprised me. I could have won if he hadn't used his fat ass to pin me on the floor! I would have whooped him and he'd run away crying."

Butters shrugged. "Well, I think he would have done something even worse later if you had gotten away without bleeding."

"I wouldn't doubt it."

There was a thickness in the air, and the two were quiet. Kenny pulled at the sleeves of his dusty-red shirt, which looked a little dirty. Butters imagined he probably slept in it. It was a lifetime before Kenny finally moved away from the door. "Wanna come in?"

"O-oh," Butters fidgeted. "I don't want t-to impose or anything."

"Ain't like I got anything better to do. Besides, when's the last time we hung out?"

Butters grinned and took a step in. "If you insist!"

The two walked into the living room, where Kenny's younger sister Karen sat in the floor watching cartoons on TV. She was leaned against the couch and seemed rather intent. The little brunette didn't take notice when the older boys crossed in front of her and then disappeared into the hall.

Kenny stood at his open door and grinned. "Ladies first!" He bowed as Butters gave a wobbly smile back and went inside. "My parents are getting stoned out their mind in the kitchen, so they shouldn't bother us. Man, I wish they'd stop that shit. Especially with Karen around."

"Boy would my parents beat me if I ever did that stuff!" Butters stated, looking around at the poster covered walls. There were an awful lot of half-naked women on the majority. The rest of the posters were covered with various other things; monster trucks, baseball players, movie posters. Nothing different from his last visit, which must have been in the middle of summer break before 8th grade.

"My parents don't give a fuck what I do." Kenny shrugged, pulling his shirt off over his head. He walked casually to his closet in his plain black shorts to put on something slightly fresher. He didn't wash his clothes much. Butters discretely watched, naturally. Kenny Replaced what was once a ratty red shirt with a thin green long sleeved shirt with a up turned collar. He fixed it and sat down on his bed with a huff. "Eric sure does seem protective of that pretty little ass of yours!" He let the corners of his mouth curve up into a smirk.

Butters couldn't help his face flushing a deep red. Whether from his ass getting a compliment or from the thought of Eric being so protective of it he was unsure. "I guess so!" He then proceeded to rub his bottom, remembering when Kenny had viciously smacked it in front of everyone at school.

Kenny patted the spot beside him on his bed. "Sit! I demand it!" He joked. Butters complied and sat down, scooting so his back was against the wall. There was too far a distance between the two for Kenny to stand, so he moved where his back was propped against the wall, too.

"Y-you know," Butters began to inquire "I think you might have made him, just a little jealous. With the. . thing you did!"

Kenny chuckled darkly, laying his legs straight and crossing his ankles. "It was worth it. You got lips like a girl. I'd say 'little girl' but then I'd just sound like a pedophile."

Butters didn't know what to say. Maybe this was a bad idea; coming to visit Kenny. He just didn't want the other blonde to be angry with he or Eric. He didn't come to be hit on some more. He was having trouble deciding if he still enjoyed it or not. Talk about being a "confused" teenager! "Oh, well, thanks." He finally replied with a smile. "Kenny, I don't think I can stay too long. Mother and father will be real sore if I'm not at least home by 5 PM."

Kenny glanced a clock on the wall. It was already 4:30. "That's okay, there's not much to do here anyways."

Butters looked down and tapped his fingers together. While he hadn't come to be hit on, he _was_ curious of something. "Kenny, w-why do you like me?" He asked with a soft voice.

Beautiful, the bashful boy would be falling into his arms any minute. "Well," he started, remembering all the things girls liked to hear. "You're cute, and thoughtful, and unique. A one-of-a-kind person."

"Awww, shucks Kenny." Butters wiggled. "You're probably the only person to, actually like me besides Eric."

"Eric doesn't really like you. I do."

Butters frowned at that. "He does too!"

Kenny was going to lose his chance! He was so close- he could just feel it. He had to be careful with this subject apparently. "Yeah well, he likes you as a minion I mean."

"Minion minion minion, that's all anyone ever calls me! You know, I could say no to him if I w-wanted to. But I don't, cause, that's just w-what best friends do. They help each other, and doggone it, if I didn't h-help him out nobody would!" Butters crossed his arms and pouted. He slumped down a little onto the bed.

Kenny was quiet a moment. What was he supposed to say to that? It was adorable how close Butters thought he and Eric were. Eric was only using him, though. That was an ironic thought, Kenny decided, since he himself was only using Butters for sexual experimentation. He started to feel bad. "I suppose you're right." he sighed. "He always turns to you for help. He knows you almost never reject him, even if he is a prejudice dick. Probably why it's so easy to dig under his thick skin when it involves you."

Butters sat up more and nodded.

"And," Kenny laughed "Is why I got my ass beat!"

That got a smile out of Butters. "Yeah, sorry about that again! I'll have a stern talkin' to with him later! Just don't hate him, alright?"

"Nah, I don't hate him any more than I already do. No change, really."

Butters smiled wider. "Good!"

Kenny turned slightly and got his back off the wall to hunch over cross legged. "So uh," He smirked "You want to have a _real_ kiss? Since everything is okay now?"

Butters looked caught off guard. "What?"

"Just a little one." Kenny assured.

"Oh well, I don't know, Kenny. If Eric found out he'd be real m-mad."

"Eric's not your fucking mom. Who says you have to tell him, anyways? Don't you like me?" Kenny gave a pathetic pout to exaggerate himself.

"Of course I do! You're not as mean to me as most people. 'Cept when we rip on each other, which is okay, as long as you're joking." He fidgeted. "I guess we can. But only a little one, like you said! Okay?" Butters turned himself to face Kenny completely. He wasn't really that experienced, though he had kissed a couple of good times before.

Score! Kenny moved closer and leaned in. The two closed their eyes and Butters let Kenny place a long kiss onto his lips. Butter's face irradiated heat. As soon as Kenny parted from him, he came back and forced Butters to open his mouth. _Shit. _Little kiss, indeed! Butters ended up with a dominating tongue in his mouth- he had never actually 'french kissed' before! It was rather pleasant. Gentle, even. But not what he wanted. He pushed Kenny back with a hand on his chest to force him to stop. Luckily, he didn't fight.

"I th-thought you said it was a little kiss?" Asked Butters, eyebrows furrowed.

"That was a little kiss!" Kenny argued. "A little kiss, with a little tongue."

"Well, don't do it a-agin okay?"

Kenny nodded. He glanced down a moment before meeting Butters eyes again with a tipped head. "Did you know a guys ass is supposed to be as sensitive as a chicks vagina?" he suddenly noted.

"What? Really? Wow!" Butters grinned at this new information.

"Well, that's just what I heard." Kenny shrugged coolly. "I mean, I haven't had a chance to test it or anything." He shrugged again. "Did I ever tell you how amazing you are Butters?"

"Oh well, you said I was cute." He looked away, blinking bashfully. Then, he looked up at the clock. "Oh hamburgers, Kenny I need to get going. It's almost 5! I don't want a whoopin'!"

"Wait!" Kenny called, stopping Butters from getting up off the bed. "Don't you want to test it out?"

"Huh?" Butters tilted his head. "Test what?"

"To see if your ass is as sensitive as a vagina!"

Butters sat there, staring blankly at Kenny. Now how would you test something like that? Then- it hit him. "Ew, Kenny! I'm not g-gonna stick something up my butt!"

"Not even if it feels really good?"

Butters sighed, giving up. "Well, maybe, but n-not now. I gotta get home." He didn't seem to realize Kenny was basically _asking_ for gay sex.

Kenny pouted as Butters moved to the edge of the bed and got to his feet. He adjusted his pants, jacket, and shirt, before turning back to the sad Kenny still resting on the bed. "I'm real sorry. Maybe some o-other time?"

"Okay." Kenny droned in disappointment. "But it's just so hard to wait! I haven't fucked in forever, dude."

Butters jumped in realization at the mention of intercourse. "W-wait, did I just agree to- oh my God!" He looked panicked. "No, no, I didn't mean that! Kenny, I mean you're nice, and tell me I'm cute, and unique and stuff, but I don't want you to stick your pee-pee in my butt!"

Kenny suddenly looked pissed off. What was the point in this if he wasn't even going to get to test out what he had heard about the ass? "You let me kiss you though, you bastard! I even got beat up for you!"

"W-well, I didn't think you would wanna have sex! I just didn't want you to be mad with me. And also, kissing is nice, and you're nice, and it was only fair after you got messed up r-real bad while trying to kiss me the first time. I'm sorry."

The other blonde sighed in frustration. Why did he think Butters would agree to sex again? "Whatever. Just get outta here."

Butters frowned, looking at the floor. Obviously his plan to keep Kenny from being upset with him had failed. It wasn't Butters fault he didn't want to just give his body away. Then again, maybe he had led him on. He didn't mean to, though.

"Bye, Kenny." He said dejectedly, and slowly walked out the room. He went past the unknowing Karen, who was still watching cartoons in the living room. Butters glanced back to see Kenny standing at the mouth of the hall, waiting for him to leave. Butters opened the door, stepped into the cold, closed it behind him, and walked to his house..

He was lucky to have gotten home without getting in trouble for once, even if he was late by four minutes.

* * *

_**I maaaaay have stopped writing for this. Oh well. I'm posting the chapters I have saved that I hadn't put online for anyone who reads in the future.**_


	10. Argument

Butters waited for the third week of 8th grade. It was painful having to sit in class each day, taking short hand notes without Cartman there to cause a ruckus. He found he really missed the fat ass's annoying voice and harsh comments. Without him the school days went by achingly slow. It was as if everything had gone quiet; a winter where no snow birds chirped and nothing grew.

In short, Butters was bored out of his fucking mind.

The next Monday couldn't have come any sooner. He had decided he wanted to have this talk with Eric in person, at school. He felt too awkward to show up at his door, so he was relieved- yet a little anxious- when that early morning finally came. He had hefted his back pack on and sleepily gotten onto the bus, knowing full well that he was about to have to chew Eric out when he got to the school. And, Eric was likely not going to listen.

Butters walked painfully slow through the crowed hallway, making his way to class. Today he wanted to be late, but knew if he was and his parents found out he'd end up with a bright behind. So, he walked slow, but only painfully slow. Painfully slow was just slow enough to get you there on time and still stall things.

When the nervous blonde finally took a step into his bustling first period class, he found himself getting a little upset. It was an angry upset, naturally. The feeling pushed down the nervousness as he glanced up at the faces littered around the square room. To his relief, Eric hadn't walked in yet. His desk was empty.

Butters put his backpack around the back of his seat and settled down in the desk. He propped his head up by an elbow and stared down at the things etched into the wood of his desk. Things like _"Susie was here"_ and a whole lot of penises. He promptly ignored all the other children's yapping.

Suddenly, there was the crinkling sound of a candy wrapper as a small Twix candy bar plopped onto his desk. Butters was drawn out of his stupor and looked up in confusion. Eric stood there, face unreadable. "Hey Butters." He said plainly. "So uh. I've got more chocolate where that came from. If you want any more." Eric felt bad. It wasn't Butters he should be kissing up to, though!

"Grrrr," Butters huffed, scrunching his face. "Why, Eric, you got a lotta nerve! You r-really hurt poor Kenny!" His nervousness was now completely replaced with _'I am so pissed off at you.' _Which was really as bad as his anger got, unless you kept prodding him. This was ironic, being just last week he had gone to have a talk with Kenny about _not_ being pissed at Eric. And here Butters was- pissed off!

"Listen!" Eric frowned, reaching into his pockets and pulling out another two Twix candy bars. "You can have all the chocolate and candy you want, as long as you stop being mad at me!" He placed the candy onto Butter's desk.

Butters moved a hand and the bars fell onto the dirty school tile below. "No, y-you can't buy me with Twix Eric! Kenny, well Kenny is really nice! And you had no right to pick a f-fight with him like that! Y'hear me mister?" It was odd to hear Butters taking charge over Eric for a change.

"Dude," Kyle marveled walking to stand on the other side of Butter's desk once he had noticed what was going on. "You get'em Butters!" He cheered, grinning evilly at the fat boy who glared at him.

"Oh, I will!" Butters stated, scooting over and out of his desk. He looked demanding in the weirdest way, but he was still the scrawny fag of the class. Not very threatening, despite his (highly adorable) attempt to be menacing.

Eric looked a little frustrated, choosing to not say anything back to the frizzy haired Jew. Instead he crossed his arms and locked his eyes with Butters, as the blonde gingerly stepped between two desks to get to Eric's side. The blonde mimicked Eric and crossed his arms as well, standing in front of him.

"Why can't you just accept my peace offerings and say 'okay Eric, you're the coolest?" Asked Eric, hiding his sadness.

"Because, _Cartman_, Kenny is nicer to me than you a-are, and you smashed his face!"

Some of the other children began to grow interested in the conversation and turned to watch. The pair didn't take any notice, however, and continued. "Well the motherfucker put his mouth on you!" Eric defended, using a hand to gesture towards Butters. He tried not to show any disappointment in Butters using his last name rather than first.

"A-and? Maybe I wanted him to?" Butters argued back. "M-maybe, since he was so nice, I wanted to be nice back. Maybe I wanted to kiss him, too?" Butters was half-lying. He just wanted Eric to get the point into his thick fat skull.

One kid coughed and purposely made sure everyone could hear him say _'fags.' _A few kids giggled but the arguing pair didn't seem to take notice.

It was weird. Eric looked stunned for what must have been half a minute. His eyes bore into Butters, and Butters began to regret what he said. Standing up for himself and his friends sure was hard, sometimes. Especially when your 'best friend' stood in front of you, looking like you just ran over his favorite pet or lost the save file of his best Xbox game.

Kyle cocked his head to the side, looking back and forth between the two. It was obvious what was going on here- at least to him. He decided to remain silent for now.

"Well," Finally replied Eric "I don't want you to kiss him."

Butters tried to puff up his chest. It was time he started REALLY saying no to Eric. "I can kiss him if I wanna." He said mockingly. "You're not my mom." He repeated, remembering what Kenny had said before at his house.

More and more, Eric looked torn. Torn between keeping his image and cursing the frail boy out, or allowing himself to be visibly shaken by the rejection. "Butters." he said seriously, pausing before speaking again. "It's not that. It's that you're not kissing- fuck!" he cut off his original sentence, flinching and unable or unwilling to say it with half the class watching. "Just, fuck you Butters!"

Butters made an angry face, and the bell rang. Everyone took their seats, but the argument continued, albeit at a lower tone. Most of the children were still keeping their eyes and ears on the two.

"Fuck you, and your fucking blue eyes, and your fucking cute baby face, and- and fuck you!" He turned from looking at Butters and sat his head down, leaving Butters stunned.

"Dude!" Kyle exclaimed from his desk on the right row from Butter's.. He didn't think he was right when he began to suspect the Neo-Nazi of _actually_ having feelings. For another boy, nonetheless.

There came the National Anthem, the announcements, and then the teacher began to call row. Everyone relayed that they were indeed at school that day, and the class began. Eric worked (or rather slacked off) quietly during that period, and left Butters utterly confused. He used the time to take sloppy notes and question what Eric said in his head.

He even had tried to pass a note to Eric to pick up the conversation half way through the dull class, but Eric didn't reply. He just flipped Butters off and continued about his business.

* * *

_**Continuing to post what's been gathering dust on my laptop. The part after this was never fully completed, sorry. :(**_


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